I LOVE YOU MORE THAN YOU WILL EVER KNOW

Joe said... "How has Love changed your life?"

The Lord came into my heart at the age of 13. I remember leaving school early one day, because I hated my life. I was tired of fighting off the bullies. I hated the feeling of no hope, no way out, feeling nobody cared, if I was to live or die.

When I arrived at home I had already made the decision to die, so I went into me parents bedroom and took my dad’s gun from his night stand and then moved the guns safety into the off position. Preparing to die I began to cry out to God. Trying to justify my decision saying to Him; 'I'm someones mistake. Nobody wants me or loves me, I'm just a burden to everyone in my life. Why did you even allow me to be born?' My finial words to God were, 'I'm sorry Lord, I can't go on any longer please forgive me' and with a loaded gun just under my chin I pulled back on the trigger.

The gun didn’t fire! I then realized that the safety which was always left in the on position was somehow placed in the off position that day. So, when I thought I'd turn the gun's safety to the firing position I'd actually turned the safety ON causing the gun not to fire. I can't explain the situation with the gun's safety other than God's intervention.

All I can remember is at that moment which the gun didn't fire, I drop the gun and fell to my knee’s and busted out into tears crying out and pleading, “Oh God, please forgive me Lord.” I immediately felt the presence of what I now know as Holy Spirit coming upon me filling my heart with thoughts and words as if God himself was speaking directly to me telling me, “I LOVE YOU MORE THAN YOU WILL EVER KNOW!” As tears poured down my checks God spoke these thoughts upon my heart, that my birth mother didn't give me up for adoption because she hated me, but because she loved me so much that she'd made the sacrifice to carry me through to full term birth. The Lord said, to me, "I HAVE GREAT PLANS FOR YOU! Follow me and I'll be with you always".

Our Father is in Heaven. His Son Jesus Christ came into this world and died for OUR sins. The Holy Spirit is present here on Earth to help us daily. God loves us more than we’ll ever know. And if you don't already know His son Jesus pray to Him and ask Him to come into your life. He'll bear all your pain and burdens. I know...

Many years later when I made the decision to love the Lord my God with all my heart and with all my soul and with all my mind and with all my strength. I then found these verses in the Bible which are almost word for word the message which was placed upon my heart that fateful day when the gun failed to fire. "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."Jeremiah 29:11-13 (NIV)

Moving forward last year (2010) through another miracle of God I was able meet both my birth mother (she's commented below) and biological father. Today, I share a relationship with them both. I now have children myself one of which has given birth to a child herself. Everyday, I thank God for all the love and miracles which he pours down upon all of humanity.

I pray for all women who are carrying one of God's tiny miracles in their womb and may be contemplating the life of their unborn child. I also pray for you if you're struggling, or hurting and contemplating God's decision for your own life hoping and praying that all the while you will come to realize and understand that, "GOD LOVES YOU MORE THAN YOU WILL EVER KNOW!"

Sherry Rose Sheppard's Story

"How has Christ change your life?"

Sherry Rose Sheppard shares her story of depression and struggles with body and self-image issues. The love of Jesus broke through in her darkest times to save and rescue her.

(To view video w/o background music; pause playlist at bottom of page.)

Dear Kerry, Love Mom

Shannon said... "How has love changed your life?"

Dear Kerry,

February 16, 1979 - Your Dad and I watched you take your first breath. One year later we enrolled you in waterbaby's, tossed you into a pool of blue water, and watched you swim.

At four (4) you recited your alphabet and earned your preschool certificate. That summer, with your father's gentle push, you learned to ride your bike. From then on there was no stopping you. Starting with T-Ball, Tennis and Karate, you even wiggled your way into a first place ribbon at your first and only breakdance contest.

At Julian Curtis school you set a record by completing 22 pull-ups. The record stood for 10 years. From then on it was a steady stream of sports. Swimming, basketball, football, wresting. And then of course there was BASEBALL, BASEBALL, BASEBALL.

On the sidelines was your biggest fan, your sister Lindsay. She cheered you on every step of the way. You, in return supported her with gentle love and kindness. Through her you learned to nurture, protect, cherish and adore.

At Central Middle School you began studying the viola and we were thrilled to see your musical side. Years later you confessed that your strings never touched the bow. Your only motivation was to accompany the orchestra on their year end field trip to Great Adventure.

Throughout the years we watched you learn and grow and mostly we watched you laugh. And when you laughed it was deep and hardy, from the belly of your soul.

When you found Mary, your true love, your "faith," life became sweet. Jackson's arrival brought and endless flood of joy to you and all those lucky enough to be near. And again we watched you nurture, protect, cherish and adore.

What we didn't hear or see was your pain. Your pain was never spoken, only written and never shared. You were intuitive and intelligent enough to hide your pain and deliver only what everyone wanted to hear. You gave people what they needed. You gave everything, every ounce of your existence. You gave too much.

For those who say they don't understand, know that depression is a disease. The conscious experience becomes an endless stream of distressing thoughts and emotions. Sadly, creative people are more vulnerable to depression.

From the childhood tales of the Velveteen Rabbit, to James Joyce's cryptic language in Finnegan's Wake, you loved to read. You were a deep thinker, a writer, a poet. Through writing you were able to escape.

May 27, 2002 your daily scheduled, e-mail Horoscope read:

Aquarius - be brave, be adventurous and boldly go where no man has gone before. Your ideas for heightening the joy quotient in you life should be taken seriously. You gave at the office. You've been a terrific contributor to others existences, but now you should shift the focus to that which floats your cork.

Kerry, know that all we see in you is good.

All my love,
Mom
Kerry's Suicide Note

Mary and I decided to include Kerry's suicide note because we know that there are many who are struggling with trying to understand the decision to choose death over life. We know we will never totally understand why, but we also know that we will never stop searching for answers.

I realize that I can't get mad at people when they don't understand. But it's not easy. I wish I was an alcoholic or a dopehead, but instead I was born suicidal. I have thought about killing myself since I was 12, the thoughts have always been there they never go away completely.

Mary and Jackson, you two helped so much. And Dad and Mom, I know you guys tried. You all gave me so much love, and I am very luck, and I love you all so much it hurts right now. It really hurts, but the love doesn't make it go away.

I am so sorry Mary and Jackson. You don't deserve this I really wanted to be a good dad and a good husband. It's all I ever wanted. I just wanted a family. I'm sorry baby. I'm really really sorry. It's not you please remember that. Please remember that you were the best thing that ever came to me. I believe that you came to help me, but I just can't be helped. You were the closest I've ever come to faith. I had faith in you, because you are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen or known. You make me believe in things, but I just can't believe in myself. I know though, that Jackson will live and be beautiful. I love you Mary. I love you Dad. I love you Mom. Please only tell Jackson the good things about me. I did have some good. I promise.

I love you All
I'm sorry that I could not handle