How Has Love Changed Your Life?

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"In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven."
-- Jesus (Matthew 5:16)

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My Lonely Journey.

b*sherrie said... "How has love change your life?:"

I know it's for a reason. I know God's promises to His children are 'Yes' and 'Amen'. I have faith for my closest friends who are walking through life as a single (not married). Once again, I'm fighting off my fears of never being married and having a family. It's something I've dreamed about as long as I can remember. My ex-husband pretty much robbed me of that in my mid-to-late twenties. But, hey, the marriage was anything but happy and healthy....so I am grateful that God worked out the situation for my good: No children with a man I really wanted to move on from after all of the hurt he afflicted upon my heart (as well as upon the hearts of those who love me) and life. His divorcing me seems like so many chapters ago. Almost surreal to think about that time in my life now.



I'd like to think I trust God. I'd like to think that after all of the battles He's fought for me and won that I'd be able align my head with my heart and trust Him with everything that I am. I guess I'm admitting that my trust in His promises for me in this one area is hugely marred. Singleness. I read about and know dozens of real-life stories about people who have waited for their spouse and have not been found wanting. My story could be heard by others one day and bring hope, right??

I am especially overjoyed for both of my brothers. My eldest brother just got engaged this week; my second eldest brother just recently welcomed his first child into the world, only 22 days ago. She's beautiful and such a miracle baby! Maybe it's all of this, coupled with the fact that it's the Christmas season, that makes the realization of my single hood all the more raw to my heart. I want to be on someones mind. Is that selfish? Maybe. But, I'm just being honest.

I was dating someone who travels a lot for work. We made the decision this morning to take a step back and just be friends until he is home ported back here at home once more. Distance would inevitably take a toll on a new relationship. His name has been on the waiting list for quite some time....so there's no telling when this could occur.

I appreciate that: "Everything happens for a reason," and that, "It's in God's timing." Believe me, that seems to be my mantra. This isn't necessarily a 'woe is me' or a pity-party. It's just that my heart is screaming out for something real to come before I completely give up or bitterness consumes me.

I'm just tired of being let down. It's like my own personal hell. Frankly, maybe it would be easier if I just acted like it didn't bother me so much. Then I could live without expectation of finding the man God has for me, and I won't be disillusioned into thinking that he's just 'right around the corner,' as everyone loves to tell me.

Praying for peace. Praying for grace. Praying my patience doesn't give way to despondency. That would be a new hell all in itself.
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Determined To Finish The Race

Lisa aka Trophy of Grace, said... "How has love changed your life?":

My heart’s desire is to let you know that you are not alone in your circumstances. Many others around the world and maybe even next door to you are going through or have gone through similar situations. I have been through so many different trials in my own personal life. Looking at me now you would never know.

Today, I'm actively involved in prison ministry, and I write the blog http://www.consecratedtohim.com/, as well as a counselor and the founder of http://www.weused2bu.com/ .

This is my story (the short version). I hope that it helps someone.

For the most part I had a good early childhood. My parents always seemed very loving and affectionate towards one other. I don’t really remember seeing them fighting. I used to play the keyboard very well and I was always a straight ‘A’ student. At the time I had just one sister who is a year younger than me.

My parents separated when I was eleven years old. This was very difficult for me because I was very close to my dad. I blamed my mother and resented her for their divorce. I began running away from home often. When I was just twelve years old I stole a car with a “friend” and drove to New York. That was just the first time that I stole a car and ran away. I thought I was so grown. It was hard to relate to the other girls my age because I felt like I was so much more “mature”. I hung out with gangs but not by choice. My mother’s family incorporated a gang called “Sangre” back in the early 90’s. I saw several initiations along with other gang activities. I did not have many boyfriends because they were scared of my uncles and cousins. I learned to keep my relations with guys on the low.

My mother died when I was sixteen years old. That was it for me. I went down so low in my life that I never thought I would ever come out of that pit. I began selling and doing drugs. Just months after my mother died I got busted by the police and charged with drug trafficking. They put me on probation for five years.

Within a year I meet my first husband. I was pregnant and married six months later. A month before my daughter’s 1st birthday he left us without any warning. I was heartbroken and lonely. I did not have a mother to go running home to and my father did not want my bad influence around my little brother. I was just nineteen years old and homeless. I had no choice but to leave my daughter with my in-laws who were pastors. By this time I had violated my probation for the third time. On my second violation the judge promised that he would send me to prison if I violated again. Months later I was arrested for assault with a vehicle. Even then the judge still had mercy on me and sentenced me to a six month drug rehab center. Just three months into the program I violated again.

While I was waiting to be taken back to jail from the center, a group of Christian women came in. They planned a big tea party event. It was beautiful. I had never been to anything like that. That is when I met my mentor. She is a godly woman who would impact the rest of my life. She began writing me. I loved reading her letters because they were always so encouraging and full of scriptures from the bible. I did not have anyone showing me that kind of love, the God kind.

Over the years that I had been in and out of jail I had prayed many times, especially when I was in jail. I remember every time I violated my probation I would get extradited back to the West Palm Beach County jail and there was always the same older woman coming in and teaching a bible study. She was so sweet and she spoke of freedom in Jesus. I was not sure what that really meant at the time, but I knew that I needed it. I asked Jesus to come into my heart on one of those trips. I did not see a change in me, but looking back I know that God had a plan all along. He allowed me to continue in my rebellious and selfish ways a little longer before He allowed me to be set aside in prison.

I was sent from the rehab back to the judge. He sentenced me to five years in prison but because of the guidelines back then I only had to serve eighteen months. From the time that I met Sonia I really began to seek God. By the time I was sentenced to prison I knew that God had a plan for me and I was not scared. I was ready to face my consequences and move on with my life.

God did not allow prison or my past experiences to destroy me. He took what the devil meant to destroy me and turned it around for my good. He blessed me with a beautiful family. Everything that I lost God gave me back and more. I have a wonderful husband who puts our family first. I have children who love God and that are constantly praising Him.

He can do the same for you, if you will let Him. I am not proud of what I have done in my past, but if I had to go through it all over again so that I could better understand someone else’s sorrow then I would. I am who I am today because of God’s grace. I am His Trophy of Grace.

Please keep me in your prayers as I have set myself to fulfill God's will in my life and I am determined to finish the race.

"If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!"

2 Corinthians 5:17

Glory of God in My Life

Lauren said... "How has love changed your life?"

I am really opening up here - but I have come to realize that there is no point in hiding my story. By doing so, I would be hiding the glory of God in my life. I would like to add that this not my entire story, this is one part of the bigger picture. God has and is doing a lot of other awesome things in my life. This story does not define me in any way. I also want to give the disclaimer right up front here that this is my story. This does not apply to everyone else dealing with this struggle. I am only sharing what God showed me - He may speak to you differently and that's wonderful!

I decided to write this post after I was asked some questions in a comment from a lovely fellow blogger who shares a similar "struggle" that I do. I thought about just answering her question in a comment back - but realized I could give a one word answer... or leave much too long a comment! So that's when I decided to share my story.

Shannon said:
"Thanks so much for the comment. IF is very difficult at times, but I know I can get through this with God by my side. Your blog is beautiful! And I cant wait to read more about you. Have you done IUI before? We tried the clomid, than 3 cycles of IUI with clomid and femara. However after 3 failed cycles and still unexplained IF we decided that a break was needed. I just didnt feel that was the path that God wanted us on, at least not right now. So we have another appointment with our RE in September and we will go from there. However I am loving the break!!! Its been great not having to plan everything around b/w and IUIs. And of course now that its the summer we would like to enjoy as much of it as possible.
Happy WFW and God bless!"

This sweet sister is talking about infertility. She's right. Infertility (IF) is very difficult at times - or all the time, depending on the day, week, or month you're having. She asked a simple question: "have you done IUI before?" (she's talking about intra uterine insemination)The answer is equally simple: "no." But I feel that a little explanation is needed and the best way is to tell the story of my infertility journey.

When John and I got married 4 years ago we knew we wanted a family some day. We hadn't really talked about when, and since everyone else I knew that was getting married was also making appointments to go on birth control, that's what I did too. In our society waiting a few years and then trying for a baby just seems to be what everyone does. We were only married about 6 weeks before we both realized we wanted to start our family as soon as we could!

John and I had both been led to the first verse in Psalm 127 "unless the Lord builds the house, it's builders labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over a the city, the watchmen stand guard in vain." We both felt in our hearts that God was telling us that if God wants us to have a baby we are taking birth control in vain (did we honestly think a few hormones were going to stop God??) So I went off the pill and we felt such a great peace about it. Of course, we were expecting to get pregnant very soon. After all, why else would God speak to us so clearly about surrendering to His plan and going off the pill?

Month after month went by and I became increasingly worried. I wanted to have a baby so badly, and I didn't understand what could be taking so long. I can't explain in words how hard it was to get my hopes up every month, only to realize at the end that I wasn't pregnant yet. Toward the end of that first year I was having a really rough time. We were headed off to Canada for a church conference, and while we were there we would celebrate our first anniversary. I really thought that month would be the month - I was wrong. Here's what happened...

I was having an awful day - for a lot of different reasons... one of them being the fact that we'd been trying nearly a year and I still wasn't pregnant. I was hurting big time, and I confess I was a little mad at God. We walked into the church for the evening session (I really didn't want to be there) and we were late. As we entered the sanctuary I heard the beautiful sound of a violin playing and I stood in front of my seat letting my broken heart just soak it in. Then a voice began to sing the lyrics to "Here I am". We all sang along and when we got to the chorus I broke down. God spoke right to me. As I sang, "Here I am to worship, here I am to bow down, Here I am to say that you're my God..." God whispered to my heart "will you still say I am your God even though you're not pregnant? What about if I never let you become pregnant? Will you still say I am your God then?" In an instant the answer permeated my soul and came out my mouth "YES LORD - You will still be my God no matter what!" I knew joy in those moments. I knew the love of my Father, and what it meant to be submissive to His will. I experienced a freedom in saying those words.I still struggled with not being pregnant - I still wanted a baby with all my heart. But, I was no longer mad at God and mad at the world. Then the unexpected happened...

A few weeks later I found out that I was pregnant! I cannot express the joy in my heart and the bliss that followed the next couple months. It's also difficult to describe the pain and absolute devastation we went through when we lost our baby in September. I wrote a little about it here when I explained how God gave us Isaiah 54:10 to get us through. "'Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken, not my covenant of peace be removed,' says the Lord who has compassion on you." The next year was a very difficult one as we navigated through the tumultuous waters of grief. Then, in July '07, I found out I was pregnant again! Our joy was mixed with fear as we wondered if we would meet this precious baby. In less than a week our worst fears were realized, as we lost our second baby. Again, hanging onto Isaiah 54:10 kept me breathing. Though, I was still plunged into a season of deep grief and depression.

Months after my second miscarriage we went in for some fertility testing. At this point we had been trying for a little over 2 years. The testing was awful. Intrusive. We felt violated and embarrassed at times. There was never any good news. Finally, a couple days before Christmas we received a phone call from one of the three doctors we were working with. He informed us that we had a 6% chance of delivering a baby. He went on to say that we could try all kinds of treatments, but that could get expensive and some people just can't have children. Thanks. Merry Christmas. (can you sense my sarcasm - cause it's there!)

But, I just couldn't let it go - I couldn't give up. So we went with the mildest therapy they would offer - chlomid. In early January I picked up my prescription and got ready to start. Let me say that I was very unsettled about doing this. I didn't have a good feeling in my spirit. I was strongly sensing that the Lord did not want me doing this - but any time I heard that voice I shut it off. I wanted to get pregnant and that was that. I took the chlomid for a few days and then I realized something awful. I had stopped hearing from God. I wasn't feeling His presence anymore. Before I took the medicine I could feel Him everywhere - He was constantly trying to tell me not to do it. After I took the chlomid it was like I turned the switch off. He stopped talking. He stopped trying to get through to me. In my disobedience I had cut the lines of communication with my Father. I was horrified with myself. I immediately repented and flushed the rest of the medicine down the toilet.

It didn't end there. I needed a complete heart examination and I didn't like what I found. God showed me that I was guilty of idolatry... strong word... but true! I had made having a baby an idol in my life. It was what I thought about every day. I read books about it, I dreamed about it, I talked about it constantly. God was in my life, but He wasn't first. Anything in our lives that is before God is an idol. I repented of all of it and then God asked me to do something he had asked back at the beginning of this journey. He asked me to give it to Him. He reminded me of the verse in Psalm 127. If God wants us to have a baby He will do it. There is no amount of chlomid I can take that will change that. If He doesn't want us to have a baby then we won't. Fertility treatments won't change that. So I surrendered. I gave it all back to him and I have never been the same.

I live in freedom now. The chains of bondage are broken. The idols in my life have been destroyed. I can serve God with my whole heart because it wholly belongs to Him. I have a peace and a joy that I didn't have before. Does it still hurt knowing that I may never have children? Yes. Is it still hard to hear friends and family announce pregnancies? absolutely. Do I still miss my babies in heaven? Yes - everyday. Do I still long to have a baby. Yes. But it doesn't consume me anymore. I trust God to do what He wants with my life because I know that His plan for me is better than anything I could ever imagine or plan for myself. I am the clay - He is the Potter. And guess what? I like being the clay!

So that's the journey I've been on the last few years. It's not a road I would wish anyone else to travel, but I know it is the road God paved for me. It's the story He is writing for me. I know he's had a plan for us through every sacrifice and difficult day. We want whatever is going to bring Him glory. Click here for a little more on that.

So what happened after I surrendered fully to God's will? We became us foster parents. We had the joy of caring for Alex and Avery for three months. You can read a little about them here. I wouldn't trade those months for anything in the world. Now He is sending us out to expand the borders of our tent. John is headed to seminary! We are moving to a new area and entering into a new ministry. It's super exciting and a little bit scary, but it's all a part of this plan He has for our life.

So that is the very long answer to a very simple question! I want to add again, that this is what God showed us! It doesn't say anywhere in the Bible that taking birth control is a sin, or that taking chlomid is a sin. Each person must pray and hear from God on their own about these issues. This is simply what He had for us. Please do not think that I am condemning anyone - I am certainly not! I am simply sharing what God spoke to me personally. My story is not everyone else's story.

I want to also give you the opportunity to ask me any questions you would like and I will do my best to answer them (shortly) in a future post! Ask away ...

God of My Heart

Sarah said, "How Has Love Changed Your Life?":

I was a sarcastic, self-conscious, introverted, egotistical, over-achieving high school band dork. I strived for perfection on every turn. I was angry that God would even consider loving someone like a murderer or rapist or popular person in my high school – He should be the righteous judge and condemn them all to hell. Obviously, the concept of grace was foreign to me.

I also struggled to merge what was taught in science classes about evolution with what was taught in church about creation. These are two specific roadblocks that Satan used to try to deflect me from meeting the true God. As a senior in high school, I had been studying other religions, reading books about evolution and creation, and trying to resolve this battle. One day, a switch was flipped in my brain, and I went from saying, “Psh! Those creationists are nuts!” to looking out the window of my car as I drove down the highway and saying, “How could there not be a God?! Look at the trees! Look at the sky! Look at the birds!” All the research I did helped me know about micro-biology and evolutionary principles, but only God can open up eyes like that. The scales fell away.

The third distraction came in the form of a boyfriend I met and fell madly in love with after graduating from high school. Eric was romantic and exotic, a Parrothead in search of his very own Margaritaville – the perfect distraction in my hunt for the real God dwelling in the real Paradise.

By random draw and God’s providence, I ended up roommates with my best friend from high school. She invited me, yet again, to Bible studies, the Well, and FCA on campus. She was a persistent little evangelist! I remember the first time I went to the Well – I could FEEL a presence in the room like I’d never felt before – that calm, peace, and strange movement of the Holy Spirit. It was breathtaking.

Eric and I got physically involved really fast. By October of my freshman year at AU, I thought I might be pregnant. While I worried and fretted that everything I had ever strived for was all for nothing, it finally occurred to me that I am out of control. I do the things I do not want to do. I cannot do life the right way on my own. I have no control over my plans, my future, my life, and there is only one person who does – Jesus Christ. At a Bible study one night, I confessed all that had been happening with Eric. For the first time in my life, I understood grace. I understood mercy. I understood forgiveness. As Paul says in Romans 7:24-25 – “What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!”

Like any other new believer, I expected all things to be better immediately. But I still loved Eric, I wanted to be with him even though he wasn’t a believer and had no interest whatsoever in Jesus Christ. Through His gentleness and firmness, God gradually removed Eric from my life, first moving him to North Carolina, then sending him off on some wild trip to Thailand and Vietnam that did not involve missionaries in the mountains... like he said it was going to. In the end, God made Eric fall out of love with me, and that is what it took for me to let go, and let God be God of my heart.

About six months or so after God ended my relationship with Eric, I had finally felt like I was okay with being single. About a week later, I met my husband. Brandon and I have both been down similar roads with our scarring relationships, but most importantly, we both believe in a God who is merciful, just, loving, forgiving, constant, mysterious, and real – and without that foundation, our relationship would have been destroyed fast. Enough evil and unfair events happen in our lives to turn people with common interests against each other in a heartbeat, but if you have faith and have faith together, God who “began a good work in you” will carry it on to completion, together.

During my tumultuous relationship with Eric, a friend of mine gave me a verse to rely on. So often I have felt bewildered at where I am in life or where I was going. My anxiety levels were high – should I transfer colleges to be closer to Eric, should I move, should I marry, should I take this job, should I stay at home with my kids – and this verse among so many others like it in Scripture has kept me grounded. From Isaiah 42:16 – “I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, down unfamiliar paths I will guide them. I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them.” This is a promise God makes to each of us if we’d just let him take over. It will be okay. We will make it through this, one way or the other. And it’s probable that the end results will be the most unlikely place you ever thought you’d find yourself, but better and more amazing than you could have imagined.

God works for the good of those who love him

Cindy said, "How has love changed your life?"

The Day Everything Changed

The day was Tuesday. February 19, 2002, to be exact. Although my husband, Chris, had completed six weeks as the new worship pastor at our church in Edmond, Oklahoma, we’d only spent three nights in our new home. Unexpectedly, he walked through the front door at 9 somethin’ in the morning. Attempting to inch my way through a plethora of boxes, I looked up and saw the face of the man I’d loved for nearly 10 years. And the man who was soon to break my heart. Chris walked toward me and asked if we could talk.� The look on his face said enough. Something was wrong.

After getting Noah settled watching a Blue’s Clues video, Chris motioned for me to sit on the newly purchased sofa that had arrived just 24 hours before as we were beginning our new life in a new town. My heart began to palpitate as the next several minutes consisted of him confessing to numerous affairs with numerous women from numerous places. I heard the cracking of my heart as he spoke and felt the devastation setting in almost immediately. As if that information was not enough to handle, he also informed me that one of the women was pregnant and he was pretty sure the baby was his child.

You have got to be kidding me. He was not.

What Now?

Within thirty minutes, a couple of our pastors came over to our house. Their attempts to even speak were futile. I was crying, Chris was scared for his life and they sat across from us hoping they’d wake up soon. After learning the news, they left and I was alone with my husband. I hated him and I loved him and I didn’t want him near me and I wanted him to hold me. I wanted details and he reluctantly shared them. I wanted dates but he could not supply them. I wanted to know why he did this to me…to us. For that, he had an answer.

Pornography.

Seriously? I thought he struggled with looking at a few naked girls from time to time on the internet. I thought he wasn’t struggling with this very much anymore. I thought we were communicating fairly well on this subject. I thought that’s why he met with his accountability group on Fridays. I thought.

I was married to a full-blown porn addict. He explained that simply viewing images of naked women no longer appealed to him. He needed something more. His sickness grew and grew and gave birth to more repulsive desires. Eventually, after years of progression, this sin completely entangled him and he acted out.

As you can imagine, my husband’s resignation was forthcoming. Had he been employed in the corporate world, that wouldn’t have been necessary. But a pastor at a church? (You do the math.) His resignation brought even more death to my broken heart. Not only was our marriage deeply wounded and more than likely beyond repair, my ministry was lost, too. I would no longer be singing on the stage that had become my home in ministry for the past several years. No longer would I be pouring into mentoring relationships with women. Now, I was the one who needed to be ministered to. This role was not something I was accustomed to at all.

Next to our marriage being absolutely torn to shreds, the most devastating part was trying to go about some semblance of a life for the heart of our 3-year old. I tried to hide my tears from him but that was a feat far too difficult to perfect. One day he walked in on me when I was crying and said, “Why you so sad fo mommy?”

What in the world was I supposed to do.

My Word From God

I needed to hear from God. The state of confusion that I lived in at this point in my life was extremely overwhelming. Many wise people in my life were telling me that I didn’t have to make a decision right away, but I couldn’t live with that. Something was calling me to get some clarity.

Noah and I journeyed six hours down I-35 to my childhood home in Georgetown, Texas. I needed someone to take care of us. That someone was my mom. Not only did she play with Noah, which allowed me time to myself, but she cooked for us and cleaned up after us and rented movies for us and took us to eat Mexican food. She’s a terrific mom.

But, she also pestered me a little. She was insistent that I go meet with her pastor, Dan Wooldridge. Because I literally had no strength, I didn’t even put up a fight.

I was surprised how comfortable I was in Dan’s presence. A true shepherd, he listened to my story and watched as tears streamed down my face. I practically begged him to tell me what he thought I should do. He did something better. Here’s what he said:

“I would respect you if you felt that you needed to remove yourself from your marriage. What you’ve endured is very hard. But, you are not a fool to stay and be a part of the redemptive work in a man’s life.”

I was and still am absolutely certain that these were the words coming my Heavenly Daddy disguised in a middle-aged Baptist minister’s voice. I knew it immediately. Nearly six years later and I still remember this quote from him…word for word.

And I’m so glad my mother was a pest

Let the Healing Begin

The morning I woke up to head back to Oklahoma from Texas was the first morning in weeks that peace was upon me. Actually, peace covered me like a blanket and let me tell you, it was well received. While it was only a few weeks in the pit of despair, it felt like a lifetime.

Chris greeted us with open arms and a warm home. He’d spent that week grieving himself and hoping his wife would return to give it another shot. We were about to embark on the most difficult road ever…the road to healing and restoration.

While there were plenty who were skeptical of Chris’ heart, he proved to be the real deal. Many men in his situation might have waited to find a “better” job…one more comparable to his previous one. Chris, on the other hand, only wanted to provide for his family doing whatever was necessary. He began selling 2X4’s at a local home improvement store and did that successfully for 18 months.

It is not by accident that I landed a part-time position at LifeChurch.tv just six weeks after Chris’ resignation. I was around the lead pastors on a daily basis and I’m sure my face was a litmus test as to the condition of our marriage. Not only that, but these amazing men and our congregation, led by our senior pastor, Craig Groeschel, supported and loved us from day one. Many ministers who fall into this type of sin end up next to the curb. Even though it was difficult, my pastor and friend took the narrow road for which I am forever grateful.

Chris began to build back my trust in him. He was accountable to a few and never once got defensive when I needed to share how I felt. As we endured the pain and the consequences of his actions, I committed to God that I would not throw Chris’ sin back in his face. Frankly, I didn’t need to…the man lived in brokenness. And still, to this day, he has NEVER been defensive when I have asked questions or when I tell him I’m hurting. He will tell you that he is willing to spend the rest of his life working to rebuild my trust if that’s what it takes. Isn’t that amazing?

I mentioned that Chris only worked at the home improvement store for 18 months. His length of time there was only cut short by the new role that Craig offered him at LifeChurch.tv. And within a year of his new position there, he’d be leading the same campus where he fell some two and half years earlier. Talk about kicking Satan in the… I’m sorry, did I say that out loud?

We are not at the end. The restoration is progressing, but not over. We still have our days where it hurts. Days where we re-live it when others go through a similar situation. Days where we have to explain to our 8-year old why he has a brother who is not his mother’s child. And the fact that we have an amazing relationship with Chris’ son and his mom is nothing short of a modern-day miracle in itself.

Come back tomorrow. More good news is on the way.

Better Than New

I remember telling my husband many, many weeks after his confession something that he couldn’t believe. We had been walking out our new life the best we knew how. We had embraced our new surroundings and jobs. We had begun to heal. And I told him that if I had the choice to go back to our old life, that I wouldn’t do it. He was pretty surprised to hear me say that. I mean, after all the pain his actions caused me, here I am telling him that I’m thankful that I endured it so that we could have what we have now.

Our pastor, Craig, preached to our congregation at the Edmond Campus about Chris’ confession and told them “we are going to believe God that they will be better than new”. He wasn’t kidding. Neither were they. We are so better than new. We are better than we ever imagined. We are better than anybody thought we’d ever be.

Chris and I are best friends and our marriage is blessed with an increasing passion for each other. (Ahem) We have had countless opportunities to minister to couples and individuals who are walking through similar challenges. (I expect this to increase as I’ve recently finished writing a book of a more detailed account of our journey.) Chris’ son has become one of the greatest blessings to our family. My relationship with his mother is so extraordinary that many jaws hit the floor when I describe it. Chris’ influence and impact at LifeChurch.tv continues to humble him as he never thought he’d ever participate in ministry again. Most importantly, my heart is full. My cup runneth over. I have a man who adores me and isn’t afraid to show it. And my trust in him is growing daily.

There are many things I don’t know in life. I don’t understand algebra. Just don’t get all that abstract math. I don’t get how a heavy airplane can stay up in the sky and not fall to the ground. I know it’s about jets and thrust and stuff like that, but it still doesn’t make sense to me. I wish I knew why innocent people have to suffer. If I did, I’d bottle up the formula to fix their problems and give it away. Don’t know lots of things.

But, here’s what I do know.

According to the Bible, I serve a big God. He created the Universe in less than a week. He formed mountains and scooped out valleys with His hands. He is everywhere, all the time. He can change a heart with the snap of his fingers. He can bring sight to a blind man with some dirt and saliva. He can part a sea and allow his people to cross on dry land. He can make walls fall down with the blast of a trumpet. He can keep a man from being eaten by lions. He can bring forth a child through a virgin. He can turn a Pharisee into a martyr for Christ. He can transform a fisherman into a minister of the gospel. He brings peace that no one can explain. He is truly a remarkable God. My marriage is living proof.

I remember asking God one day how He was going to take this awful situation and use it for His good (Romans 8:28). Tears were streaming down my face and I had no idea how I would survive this. God spoke ever so gently to my heart and here is what He said:

God: Remember when you told me that you would go through anything in order to bring glory to my name?

Me: Uh-huh, sniff, sniff.

God: I’m taking you up on your offer.

Trust Him.

He is faithful and loving and kind and tender and good and miraculous and amazing. He will carry you when you can walk no more and He will strengthen you when you need to make the journey. He is true to His word and will do what He says he is going to do. I promise because He promises and He does not disappoint.

Still Searching

Anonymous, said… "How Has Love Changed Your Life?”:

I have faith in God…but I'm still searching the truth. There is so much to learn but still I'm ready to serve God, spreading His love to others.

Maybe because I'm still young, but in my lifetime the only time I felt God was around me is when I broke up with my first boyfriend. Everything was perfect; just how a first love seems to be. I tried to let my ex to accept Jesus Christ, but failed many times. It wasn't until he experienced the worst time in his life, he let Jesus in. I was truly glad for that. But then everything changed; we even broke up as girlfriend and boyfriend. The reasons were so blurry. I still can't figure out the exact reason we broke up? The only thing I could think of is God has plans for each of us.

After the break up, I felt so broken hearted, fatigued, and lost, at the same time I was having my final exams, while my parents were having conflicts, and big quarrels. I was the one who stuck in the middle, trying my best to mend the problems. I cried to my friends and they’d get annoyed. Everything hit me once. I felt so helpless. Until one day, while in bed during an insomnia attack I prayed to God, in hope that everything would be alright. While praying, I felt calm in my room. I felt as if someone was trying to comfort me and put me into dreams.

Gradually, my pain began to lessen and I can now get a good nights sleep. My parents are once again in love, and live happily together again.

Presently, I'm in a second relationship with my boyfriend. I feel as he is a gift from God. Yet, this relationship is unstable too. We are both Christian but from different teachings. We’ve broken up twice mainly, because of the fact that he couldn't walk away from his past. I prayed to God hoping for Him to lead my boyfriend and open his heart. God did. We’re now continuing our love journey. A long distance relationship is quite hard to maintain, but hopefully, it will last forever and ever. As God says, Love never fails.

I still remember; my boyfriend taught me this.
God is loving. He won't let anything bad happens on us. Draw yourself close to God, and he will draw close to you.

There is still so much to search to. Thanks God for guiding me everyday. Glory to Him.

Thanks who lead me here.

A Future and A Hope

Kelley said... "How Has Love Changed Your Life?":

I am a 30 year old woman living in Bothell, WA with my husband Jeremiah, my Labrador Chief, and my white and black cat Abbey.

Jeremiah and I met in October, 1997 at a friend's "Welcome back to Campus" party. The instant we met we knew that God had something special in store for us. Our romantic connection was instant, whether it was "Love at First Sight" I'm not sure; but I knew in my gut that he was "The One". We each found in the other a best friend; someone in whom we could trust, be authentic with, and goof around with. Not to mention the amount of "Things" we had in common: Interest in Sports, movies, similar taste in music, and most importantly a common belief in Jesus Christ and His teachings.

We were married in July of 1999, I was 21 and Jeremiah was 22. We were young and we knew it, but we also knew we were "right" for one another. We had planned to wait five years to begin our family, and did just that. We began "trying" passively in 2004, but we didn't actually pay attention to anything until we realized that we'd been two years without results. So we began to keep track of when things should happen, and tried for another year. When nothing came of that, I went to my doctor and was diagnosed with PCOS. (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) My doctor and I discussed the fact that I may never conceive without some form of medical assistance. We discussed the various options and decided that we'd try a Clomid regimen. Indeed the Clomid made my ovaries "work" but the follicles were never large enough to be very effective. And I gained 22 pounds from the medication as well.

My 30th birthday approached, and there were things I had always thought I'd have by the time I was 30 one of which was to have already had two children. I was the heaviest I'd ever been, the most unhappy I'd ever been, and I hadn't written a novel. In my mind I was failing at life and I wanted to change things. I moved my "Due" date to age 35. But I decided I wouldn't be the heaviest I'd ever been on my 30th birthday. I stopped the Clomid, and hit the gym. We filled out the preliminary adoption application with Bethany Christian Servies www.Bethany.org. I lost 10 pounds before my birthday and got back into my Jeans.

We decided that biological children just wasn't the plan for us and put all of our energy into our Adoption Process. We were approved and put on the BCS website on our 9th anniversary. Our Adoption profile is Jeremiah and Kelly - Seattle Washington. (view by clicking)

I began swimming laps in June of this year and began keeping track of our "Waiting time" in "swimming distance" which for me, created a productive project for me during this very strange time of waiting to be chosen by a birth mother. Jeremiah and I are both dealing with our waiting process differently, Jer wants to know every time someone looks at our profile in the office, and I'm more of an "Ignorance is Bliss" type person. We've had some interest but so far no interviews. The rollercoaster continues but the light at the end of tunnel approaches. The two of us with the help of our Lord are tough enough to weather this storm; no matter the duration or severity.

We look forward to being parents and are trusting that the "Great Architect" has our best interests in mind.

"For I know the plans I have for you,declares the LORD,....

plans to give you a future and a hope."

Jeremiah 29:11

"DREAM UP"

Elizabeth Mahlou, said... "How has love changed your life?"

I spent the first five-plus decades of my life as a confirmed atheist. It was not that I had never heard about God. I simply did not think God existed, and I felt sorry for those I considered deluded into thinking that there was a divinity that they could lean on in hard times. I prided myself on my ability to handle many different kinds of challenges -- financial crises, abusive childhood, disabled children, educational barriers -- without having to "dream up" a divinity for support.

Boy, was I in for a surprise, and I did not see it coming! So, without further ado, here is the story, quite compressed.

Part I. Saying Grace

I had just moved back to the USA from Jordan, after all opportunities for staying over there evaporated, something that I have come to believe was God's way of shepherding me into His fold. One of my employees, rather a low-ranking one, whom I will call Jean, was working on a special project that required overtime work once a week. I took to staying to help, to provide some support, since I considered the project quite important. Because we worked through dinner, we went out to dinner after we called it quits for the evening.

The first week we went out, Jean announced that she would like to say grace. I explained that I was an atheist, but that she was welcome to say grace for herself. I patiently waited for her to do that. The second week, the same thing happened. The third week, she announced that it was my turn to say grace. Flabbergasted, I told her that atheists do not say grace. She insisted, and I continued to refuse. She refused to eat unless I did. I thought that this was pretty pushy for an employee. Later Jean told me that she, too, thought it was pushy but that she seemed to have no control over the situation: she had no idea why she said why she said what she did; the words tumbled out by themselves and surprised even her.

Well, with supper getting cold, and Jean quite adamant about not eating until grace was said, I figured that the easiest way out of this dilemma was to say something. What harm could a few words do?

I suppose it was the words I chose that sealed the direction my life would subsequently take. A bit indignant about the situation I had found myself in, I decided to say something irreverent for Jean's benefit, pulling together bits and pieces of what I thought belonged in a grace, along with words that I thought would "prove" to Jean that she was deluded in her faith. I will never forget the words I chose: "Dear God, bless this food, and if You exist, bless us with Your presence."

So, grace over, I reached for a piece of pizza, and so did Jean. But neither of us took even one bite because we suddenly had Presence! I am so glad I was not alone. First, God gave me a witness (Jean) to this most extraordinary contact. Second, I found the experience overwhelming and unnerving (and it takes a lot to overwhelm and unnerve me); I was happy not to be alone with it.

Jean and I did not eat dinner that night. We talked in rambling sentences until the restaurant closed, and we had to leave. Then we walked along the beach until 1:00 in the morning, still talking in rambling sentences, still feeling very much that we were walking as a threesome. Neither of us remembers a word of what we said. I tried to ignore the Presence the whole evening. Jean later told me that she had the opposite reaction: she reveled in it. I cannot remember when my discomfort level has been higher. I did not want to be alone. I did not want to leave Jean, who did not seem to be wigging out the way I was doing inside and trying hard not to let Jean know. However, by the wee hours of the morning, we both realized that we had to go home so that we could get up in the morning to go to work.

The problem was that the sense of God's presence (which I would not admit as really God's presence) did not leave me for the next two weeks. I do not remember anything I did at work during those two weeks. I was totally preoccupied with this sense of presence and wanting to run away from it, but there it was at every turn. I turned to the Bible, not to learn anything from it but to fight. I tried to find all kinds of reasons that the texts in the Bible were wrong. I wrote long enotes to Jean on a daily basis -- long, incoherent, ranting enotes about the delusions of everyone and everything that had any hint of spirituality. She later told me that it was like I was having an electronic temper tantrum.

Jean was not the only one who heard from me during this two-week period. I questioned God. I argued with God. I accused God of bad things. But, fortunately, He was patient with me. I felt like I was caught in a cosmic nutcracker that kept gently and insistently trying to open me up.

Then, at the end of two weeks something remarkable happened.

Part II. Finding Grace

At the end of two weeks, I was pretty beat. At wit's end. I wanted to be left alone. I wanted to be me again. I wanted to go back to thinking about the normal, everyday kinds of things that I always thought about (although my life has been anything but ordinary). Most especially, I wanted to be alone. I had had two weeks of "company" with a spiritual presence (God?) that I did not want to believe existed, that I had on many occasions pointed out to others could not possibly exist. And here we were: God and I. Now what?

Some people call me fearless, but I am not. It is probably because of a life time of traveling the world, taking risks, trying new things, going where few if any Americans (or women) have gone before, but I always have had a sense of caution even when no one else saw it. But now, after two weeks of being squeezed by this cosmic nutcracker, I wanted out, and I became fearless. Well, you judge whether I was fearless.

Driving to work, still unable to concentrate on anything other than this unseen Presence that was there with me wherever I went, I decided to go for broke. "Look, God," I said, "if it is really You who has me caught in this nutcracker, I need some proof. I am a skeptic and a thinker (not a feeler), and I am just not going to trust my feelings. So, here is what I want. There is an employee at work whose wife and children live 4 hours away because she has not been able to find closer work and the family cannot live on one salary. My networking has failed, and even though I have put her on the job lists for my division, the hiring panels won't take her because she is not qualified for anything we do. After 6 months of effort, I have been unable to help her. So, if you exist, find her a job."

After saying this, I had a second thought, a rather fateful one: "And, by the way, so-and-so, another employee, has been missing 2-3 days of work a week because of a back problem, and this has been going on for 6 months, too. Heal so-and-so, and I will be in church every week." Now that was a promise I was sure I would not have to keep!

Having said all this, I felt better, certain that I had clarified THAT and could get back to my old, comfortable life. After 20 minutes, I reached my work place, parked the car, and went into my office. I opened my email. Doesn't everyone start and finish the day with email nowadays?

And there I saw it. A note from a senior manager in another division with the name of the wife for whom I was trying to find a job in the subject line. A little shaken, I opened the note, and there was an incredible message. "One of my employees sat on a hiring panel for you as an outside expert recently and noticed that one of the candidates could not possibly ever hold a position in your division because she does not have the right qualifications. However, we have just opened a new unit and need people with exactly her qualifications. We could hire her today. Will you release her name to us?"

I was so startled, overwhelmed, and, yeah, a bit scared, too, that I slipped to the floor. "My Lord and my God!" were the first words that came to mind. (I guess I had been a lot like Doubting Thomas -- even scads worse.) Okay, so the Presence was real. And in that moment, the most comforting feeling came over me, but also the feeling of getting to know someone -- God -- for the first time. A wonderful feeling, not a bad, annoying, frustrating feeling anymore. And any desire to fight was gone. I just wanted to get to know this Shepherd that had cared enough to come and pull me out of the bramble bushes where I was happily frolicking, unaware that I was detached from the rest of the flock and in not the best of territory.

And just about then, I remember the promise about attending church if God healed so-and-so. Oh, oh! I thought. One does not bribe God or bargain with God. Now that I knew God was real and not a projection of personal insanity, I became a little afraid of what I had demanded for so-and-so. "Ah, God, I want to amend that demand to a request, and, uh, I will go to church first and just trust you to heal so-and-so."

So, now, I had to find a church. But God took care of that, too. I will describe that in Part III (the last part of my conversion story).

And, I know you want to know what happened to so-and-so. So-and-so worked in our division for another 9 months before moving on to a new job and, while with us, NEVER missed another day of work for health reasons!!!!

PART III. Acknowledging Grace

So, now I had a promise to keep -- church! That was a scary thought. The question of which church, though, was pretty clear. When I had made the promise, the picture of our local mission flashed through my mind. Perhaps it was a divine inspiration. Perhaps it was because it was local. Perhaps it was because the mission is beautiful; who would be opposed to a mass there if one were planning to attend mass? I suppose I will never know the source of the picture, but I was pretty convinced that God either wanted me, or would accept me, at our mission church in this tiny 6-street-by-8-street town in which I live (the mission is the center of life here -- and it was likely no accident that here was where I found the first place to rent after returning from two years of work in Jordan).

Alright, then, I found out mass times. Then, on Saturday at 5:00 as I tugged at the heavy, 200-year-old wooden door, I heard singing coming from inside. Oh, no! I was a minute or two late. There was no way I was going to walk in late. I was not ready to walk in at all! But late!! Uh-uh! But there was that promise. I sat down on a bench in the near-by rose garden, pondering my dilemma and watching a family (of tourists, I assumed) smelling and photographing the roses. Then, they straightened up and marched off toward the church. As they went in the door, June, the mother (yes, they were not tourists; they are very active members of the congregation, and I have never seen them be late since that one time), held the door open for me. In I was going, like it or not.

I slinked through the door and searched in the dark for an inconspicuous place to sit. Ah, hah! There was a pew right beside the door and well apart from the rest of the pews. I sat down cautiously. I did not understand much of what I heard even though it was in English. (I had chosen the English rather than the Spanish or Latin mass times although now I tend to go to the English on Saturday and the Spanish on Sunday.) This was terra incognita, but I did recognize the fact that I had stumbled into a Catholic church. Wondering if I was in the right place, I asked, "God, do you really want me in a Catholic church?" I could see my little rebellious self in a Protestant setting. Heck, even the root of the appellation, protest, appeals to me. Certainly, I am not conservative, obedient, traditional, or any of the other labels that people stereotypically hang on Catholics.

I got my answer, and it was yes. As soon as I asked, I felt the Presence that was still spending day and night with me grow in strength and cover me with a warm blanket of love. Okay, Lord, I thought, if this is where You want me, here I will be!

To make a long story a tad shorter: Here I am. I completed the RCIA and was confirmed the following Easter. Now I have been a catechist for going on three years. Yes, Lord, here I am! What more is there to say?

(As I was writing this, I received a Skype call from Fr. Julio in Colombia, who blessed me before hanging up. So typical of what happens in my life these days! Why would I have ever fought this? Silly me!)

P.S. In the event that not everyone reads comments, here is the answer to one question: Who was my sponsor at Confirmation? Quite surprisingly, it was my daughter-in-law, Lemony. Hispanic by birth and Catholic, she had put aside church-going when she married into our atheist family. She seemed very pleased to be asked, and now we talk about things that we never used to!

I Know His Love

Nitewrit said... "How Has Love Changed Your Life?":

My wife and I love each other, but it was the love of God that changed my life. It is a bit long, but I am glad to write how that came about.

Growing up, I was sent to Christian churches. But I was no Christian other than a nominal one. When my wife-to-be and I met, we were barely out of high school. When we married, she was 19 and I was 20. There was never a doubt we would have a proper Christian wedding before an ordained minister. Yet, I wasn't a Christian, not really. I had never professed any belief in Christ. I thought I was a good guy, but I wasn't a spiritual one. If I was only a Christian-in-name at my wedding, I was to go a long way down a different road after the honeymoon. I still thought of myself as a "good" guy, and probably in comparison to some, I was, but after a while I even renounced the nominal tag of being a Christian. After getting married, I was free of church. My wife and I didn't attend any church. We were riding high and fine without any help from religion. We both worked and made what was considered better than average salaries for our age, our position and our time. We would rather go off to the shore for the weekend than spend anytime in a church. We started off having it too good, so who needed God.

When things went south, we blamed God. We were fine with two salaries, but when my wife lost her job it was difficult to meet all the monthly bills. Then my wife became pregnant. She was nearly two-thirds through term and home alone. I was at work in Philadelphia, a trip I made every weekday by train. We lived halfway between each of our parents, a half hour drive to either one. My wife didn't drive then. She felt she was going into labor and called our doctor.He told her that was impossible. She asked him to come out, but he refused. He told her he would have the drugstore deliver a prescription to her to ease her pains. It was just as the drug arrived that the baby came. She didn't go to the door and the deliveryman left. She delivered a boy, who lived briefly and died. She placed it in a pan in the bathroom and called me. I left work and caught the next train home. When I got there she was in the bedroom. I asked if she had called the doctor again, but she hadn't. I called him and he came to the house. After he had attended to my wife, I asked what we should do with the baby. "You can toss it in the trashcan for all I care," he answered. Not exactly great a bedside manner.

We went through a series of setbacks and by our late twenties we were Hippies. Our transformation from spoiled newlyweds to Hippie activists was complete. We had "soul", but not The Spirit. One of my campaigns, my cause, was to show up the hypocrisy of ministers and I was smugly throwing challenging questions at pastors. Oh, I was so smart when in my twenties. I knew everything then and I knew there was no God.

Here is what I didn't know:
"A man's own folly ruins his life, yet his heart rages against the LORD." Proverbs 19:3

Here I skip ahead a few years. My wife continued to become pregnant now and again over the next decade. But each time she lost the baby, despite operations and every effort of doctors. We lost seven children, four as miscarriages and three who were born too soon to live. But that seventh loss changed my life. My wife was in the labor room, a drip in her arm to forestall the labor. The baby was hooked to a monitor and every day I sat in that room listening to that heartbeat fighting to live. Hearing that steady beat-beat-beat made me believe there had to be a God. But when that child died, my wife went into a deep depression. In desperation, I suggested we try a church, a new one near our home. The minister’s sermon seemed to speak directly to me and in September 1975, I asked forgiveness and for Christ to be my Savior.

In 1977, my wife became pregnant again. No doctor would take our case; they all told us my wife could not have a child. It was impossible. A Christian doctor at our church agreed to treat her. He put her to bed for her term. The church members formed a prayer group, brought us meals and did other kindnesses. On March 1, 1978 a daughter was born prematurely, but she lived.

A couple years later, my wife thought she was having a miscarriage, that she was a couple of months pregnant. I took her to the hospital. There, much to both our surprise, my second daughter was born. But she weighted under four pounds and they didn’t expect her to live, so they sent her to an intensive care unit in another hospital. We were then told she would live, but be blind and seriously mentally handicapped. My second daughter is not blind. She was an honor student, twice listed in Who’s Who Among High School Students, served eight years in the U.S. Army, including Iraq, received three Army commendation metals and works now with animals, as does my first daughter. Finally we had a third child, a boy.

I always said God gave us our second daughter to show it was by His power and nothing than any doctor did.

I dread to think where I was headed at one time in my life. I was getting into Satanism at that time, but seeming tragedies turned everything around and showed me there was a loving God. Now I know someday I will see all ten of my children, all thanks and praise to the Lord and His love.

Hidden Secrets Laid at The Cross

Amy said... "How has love changed your life?" :

October 14, 2006, at a mother/daughter retreat for our church we were asked to write in our journals, they had so loving provided. This was the first church retreat, event, camp or activity I had ever attended. They split the moms and girls up to go to our own areas and asked us to journal a prayer about hidden secrets, sins that needed to be laid at the cross.

Mine read:
Lord, there is a large, nasty sin that I have held on to for many years. I have confessed it and asked forgiveness, but I haven't turned it completely over to you. I still blame myself for a lot of pain and suffering that I caused myself. Lord, I ask you to take away the guilt and sorrow that I have from this sin. Fill me up with encouragement and remind me of the fact that all sins are forgiven through Christ. Thank you Lord for the healing you will do in my heart. I pray that if there is ever a time that my daughter Lauren is in need of my help like that, that I will be able and strong enough to help her…Amen.

For the last year or so the enemy has attacked me over and over and over with his lies.
* You are not worthy.
* You are not good enough.
* God will never use someone like you.
* You are weak.
* You will not be excepted.
* You are the ONLY ONE who's done it.
At the same time God (Holy Spirit) was asking me to trust Him, tugging at my heart and speaking his truths to me.
* You Are Worthy.
* This ministry is Very Much needed.
* I am the Only Way for healing.
* Share your story, Our Story.
* Trust me, Amy. I will give you all that you need.

There are 1000's of women each week that walk in and out of church who are dying on the inside. Their secret has been locked up inside of them for years. Statistics show that 1 in 3 women in the church have had an abortion. Mine was April 19, 1991. I had just turned 17 years old. A day that I have had pressed away into the back of my mind, so far that I can't remember all the details. My mom and my doctor told me it would be the best choice for me to abort my baby. I was on medication that could cause severe problems with fetal development during the first trimester. Young and uninformed I trusted their decision and thought I would be better off. I had no idea that I would live with that choice the rest of my life.

It was as if nothing was going on. No one talked about it to me. It was already my secret. My mom made all the arrangements. She drove me over to the clinic that Friday morning. This is where the details are pretty sketchy. What I remember the most is when they called my name, from that point on I was alone. I wanted so badly to change my mind. I was scared to death. I knew I was doing the wrong thing. But I didn't have the courage to back out of it either.

As I look back now, it was one of the most isolated times in my life. When it was all over with. And I do mean all. It was not talked about again. I was so ashamed of what I had done that I told the few people that knew of my pregnancy, that I had a miscarriage. I never did tell them otherwise. The guilt, shame, and grief set in immediately.

Without question this is one of the most traumatic experiences a woman could go through. These 1 in 3 women are trapped in their silence of shame and guilt. Many of them struggle with it for years 10, 20, 30 or even 40 years. With that can come these severe consequences of…guilt, endless shame, repressed memories, depression, and some thoughts of suicide.

I realize that sin is sin in God's eyes and we all need His redemption. God will forgive you the first time you humbly ask. It is the enemy who keeps you from forgiving yourself. The good news is, there is hope in Jesus Christ, He will forgive and He loves us very much.

Since the day I selfishly ended the life of my unborn child, I have surrendered my Life to Christ. He redeemed me at the age of 22, and wiped the slate clean that day. Ever since my Heavenly Father has been asking me to surrender and submit myself to Him. I know he wants to use me in this tender ministry to show others, there is Hope and Healing with Jesus Christ. I don't know His exact plans, but I know it is going to be Big, because I serve a Big God.

My first step was humbly submitting to do His will. Tuesday night October 7, 2008, I couldn't turn away anymore. His presence was so real and His conviction couldn't be ignored any longer. During our women's ministry leadership meeting, Stacy the director was giving our closing devotional. It was over going the next step, trusting what God has next for us. Even, if that meant going outside our comfort zone. To trust God with the plan He has for us in this season and day in History. I seriously only heard the first few minutes of the devotion. God's timing is always His perfect timing. He knew I was ready and He laid it on me heavy that night. Before we left that evening I opened up and shared with those 4 ladies something that hadn't been talked about for years. Of course they all embraced me in God's love. We talked about how much this ministry is needed in our area. And that we could only dream how big God could use this.

After we parted that night, I came home and surrendered to God's Calling. I gave myself to be used as a vessel. I told Him I would do whatever he wanted; I admitted I was scared to death, but that I would trust Him. I did ask one thing of Him…Show off for me, Lord. Do it Big.

“Praise the LORD, O my soul,

and forget not all his benefits-

who forgives all your sins

and heals all your diseases,

who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,

who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's. "
Psalm 103:2-5

Real Treasure

Kat said, "How has love changed your life?"

I am The Treasure Box. Look inside and you will see many treasures. At first the box was filled with worldly treasure, costume jewelry that looked good and expensive; now it is not. It has been replaced with true Treasure.

I was born in Tampa, Florida and raised in Venezuela. My father was a Latino with earthly desires for gambling and women. My mother lived in a foreign country, holding a full time job while trying to raise five children on her own. Whenever they separated, we moved away, once to Spain for a year, and twice to Ohio.

When I was twelve, they divorced. I had always lacked self-esteem, but now I could not relate to people anymore, especially boys. I did not receive the emotional support that I needed from my parents. I felt like I was on my own, and a huge, craving hole in my heart begged to be filled.
I started to fill my treasure box with boys. I wanted to be loved, and I looked for it with members of the opposite sex. If a boy kissed me and touched me, then I felt accepted. And there was a chance that I was pretty, or he wouldn’t have been attracted to me.

I then filled the treasure box with drugs and alcohol. It felt so good to escape! And finally I had a crowd that accepted me. But, as time went on, I hated myself more and more.

At the age of 17, I accepted the Lord as my Savior but never went to church or read the Bible. Two years later I moved back to the states and continued my life of drugs, alcohol and sex, still searching for the one thing that would fill up that hole in my heart.

The inevitable happened. I got pregnant. I was going to get married but my boyfriend’s parents were against it so I did something that I will regret for the rest of my life. I had an abortion. Even writing about it today fills my heart with sadness. I had a child growing within me, and I got rid of this little human being because it was the easy way out. I did not take responsibility for my own actions.

I filled my treasure box with adultery, lying, cheating, stealing, and hate. I hated myself and the world. I fought everybody and lived a selfish life. I longed for purity, it was such a strong desire, but I couldn’t find it anywhere. Some missionaries got a hold of me and I joined a church that was steeped in works-related living. If I was good, I was rewarded. If I was bad, I was punished.
Now I had a treasure box full of religion that I lived for 20 years. But I was still empty.
I married an angry, controlling, broken man who abused me physically, emotionally and verbally, just as I did to him. We had three children. My self-hate continued to grow. I believed some of the things he said about me and started to feel like I was a horrible mother, wife and person. I just couldn’t get it right.

We divorced after 12 years and I rebounded into a marriage that was worse than the previous one. We had a daughter. After receiving within me the ugly words he said to me, I thought I was the scum of the earth and honestly believed that the world would be better off without me. I would write hate letters to myself and hurt myself for punishment. I wanted to die. I believed that my children didn’t deserve a mother like me.

After about two years, we divorced, and I jumped right into another marriage. This third husband was also very angry and controlling. We had a son.

I had become a full-blown co-dependent person. One who works for love. “If I do nice things for you and forsake my personality for you, you will love me”. It is a form of controlling other people’s behaviors. And I was very good at it, too!

I now had a treasure box full of children, ex-husbands, horrible behaviors and habits, and I still was not happy. What was missing?

In January of the year 2000, I found the answer. It was Jesus Christ. I received Him into my life again; this time I gave Him full control. I let Him be the Lord of my life. A difficult thing to do for someone as controlling as I was.

God and I emptied out the treasure box and filled it up with Real Treasure. He put in Love. His Love - a pure Love that is unconditional. A Love that said, “I love you even as the mess that you are. You are a treasure to Me and I delight in you.”

Zephaniah 3:17 (NIV) says,
“The LORD your God is with you,
He is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
He will quiet you with his love,
He will rejoice over you with singing.”

I was not alone. I never had been alone. Even through my most horrible choices in life, He was right there with me, arms open wide and waiting for me to accept His Offer of Love. It took a long time to accept that Love. But I finally did.

Into my treasure box God, put Forgiveness for every wrong I had committed that hurt Him. EVERY sin!

Isaiah 43:25 (NIV) “I, even I, am He who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more.

He filled my treasure box with Acceptance. He accepted me as His very own. No matter what I looked like on the outside or even the inside, I was accepted by Him!

Romans 8:1-2 (NLT) 1 So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. 2 And because you belong to him, the power of the life-giving Spirit has freed you from the power of sin that leads to death.

He then filled my treasure box with Healing. He worked hard with me to realize that I didn’t need drugs, alcohol or men to be fulfilled. He was sufficient for me. He was all I needed. He personally worked with me to slowly clean up the messes that I had created through my choices. I am still a work in progress, though. It’s not the end, but I have my Best Friend to lead me and guide me through this process.

One night, I imagined what I will do when I meet Him face to Face. I will get down and wash his feet with my tears and wipe them dry with my hair, my kisses never-ending on those scarred feet. Scarred for me. His hands would be next as I lovingly hold them and touch the imprints left by the nails. The nails He suffered for me. Then I will dance with Him, looking into His eyes and falling deeper and deeper into Him along with my love. Will He sing? I believe so, and I have a feeling that His voice would resonate in my soul, like a fine-tuned guitar string. Just the thought of being with Him leaves me in tears. He is the Love of my life; my Redeemer, my Savior, my Healer.

I have a treasure box on the corner of my desk. In it I have little cards that describe each and every Personal Touch He has given me over the years. I wish I could tell you in one writing all the Personal Miracles He has performed in my life. But it would take up a book!

And that is why I call myself the Treasure Box. I was empty and tried to fill that box with my choices, my treasures, what I thought was good for me. It wasn’t until He got a hold of me that it has slowly been filled with Real Treasure; His Personal Involvement in my life; His Personal Love and Redeeming Grace.

2 Corinthians 4:7 NLT, “We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves.”

Today, along with my God, I walk with a husband who God chose for me, a wonderful Englishman with whom I share a business. My five beautiful children walk with the Lord, thanks to His guidance and because of His help. For the first time in my life, I love myself and know that God thinks I am beautiful. I am just the way He created me. I am accepted. He is my Source for everything, and I pray that He will become yours, too!

May the Lord bless you with the Spirit of Wisdom and Revelation that you, too, will get to know Him better!

Kat C - The Treasure Box

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Chelsea said... "How has love changed your life?"

I have been wondering lately what it is God is doing in my life. There are some things around me or should I say happening that I don’t quite understand. I asked a friend recently “Is there light at the end of the tunnel?” And she replied “It’s just a really long tunnel!” Boy I had never thought about it that way, I know He is doing a great work but is it for me or the ones around me? And why am I having to suffer through it? If it’s for them! I know he's using everything, l just wish he would make it clear. Because right now it seems like muddy water.

A friend shared a verse with me today, it comes from 2 Corinthians 4:8-12 “We pressed on every side by troubles, but we are NOT crushed. We are perplexed, but NOT driven to despair. We are haunted down, but NEVER abandoned by God. We are knocked down, but we are NOT destroyed. Through suffering our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies. Yes we live under constant death because we serve Jesus, so that the life of Jesus will be evident in our dying bodies. So we live in the face of death, but this has resulted in eternal life for you.” Jump to vs. 16 “This is why we never give up!”

I think I am so pressed or so burdened but Jesus made the ultimate sacrifice for me so that I may live. Why do I feel the need to throw in the towel? HOW SELFISH AM I? Jesus doesn’t give up on us, why would I give up on the work He has put before me.
I ask for your guidance Lord, that I would seek your will and not my own. I wouldn’t become weary, I would keep moving forward with JOY, and I would submit with kindness & love. That through this time of struggle that you would grow me, mold me, so that I would be a Godly women who glorifies you!