Hidden Secrets Laid at The Cross

Amy said... "How has love changed your life?" :

October 14, 2006, at a mother/daughter retreat for our church we were asked to write in our journals, they had so loving provided. This was the first church retreat, event, camp or activity I had ever attended. They split the moms and girls up to go to our own areas and asked us to journal a prayer about hidden secrets, sins that needed to be laid at the cross.

Mine read:
Lord, there is a large, nasty sin that I have held on to for many years. I have confessed it and asked forgiveness, but I haven't turned it completely over to you. I still blame myself for a lot of pain and suffering that I caused myself. Lord, I ask you to take away the guilt and sorrow that I have from this sin. Fill me up with encouragement and remind me of the fact that all sins are forgiven through Christ. Thank you Lord for the healing you will do in my heart. I pray that if there is ever a time that my daughter Lauren is in need of my help like that, that I will be able and strong enough to help her…Amen.

For the last year or so the enemy has attacked me over and over and over with his lies.
* You are not worthy.
* You are not good enough.
* God will never use someone like you.
* You are weak.
* You will not be excepted.
* You are the ONLY ONE who's done it.
At the same time God (Holy Spirit) was asking me to trust Him, tugging at my heart and speaking his truths to me.
* You Are Worthy.
* This ministry is Very Much needed.
* I am the Only Way for healing.
* Share your story, Our Story.
* Trust me, Amy. I will give you all that you need.

There are 1000's of women each week that walk in and out of church who are dying on the inside. Their secret has been locked up inside of them for years. Statistics show that 1 in 3 women in the church have had an abortion. Mine was April 19, 1991. I had just turned 17 years old. A day that I have had pressed away into the back of my mind, so far that I can't remember all the details. My mom and my doctor told me it would be the best choice for me to abort my baby. I was on medication that could cause severe problems with fetal development during the first trimester. Young and uninformed I trusted their decision and thought I would be better off. I had no idea that I would live with that choice the rest of my life.

It was as if nothing was going on. No one talked about it to me. It was already my secret. My mom made all the arrangements. She drove me over to the clinic that Friday morning. This is where the details are pretty sketchy. What I remember the most is when they called my name, from that point on I was alone. I wanted so badly to change my mind. I was scared to death. I knew I was doing the wrong thing. But I didn't have the courage to back out of it either.
As I look back now, it was one of the most isolated times in my life. When it was all over with. And I do mean all. It was not talked about again. I was so ashamed of what I had done that I told the few people that knew of my pregnancy, that I had a miscarriage. I never did tell them otherwise. The guilt, shame, and grief set in immediately.

Without question this is one of the most traumatic experiences a woman could go through. These 1 in 3 women are trapped in their silence of shame and guilt. Many of them struggle with it for years 10, 20, 30 or even 40 years. With that can come these severe consequences of…guilt, endless shame, repressed memories, depression, and some thoughts of suicide.

I realize that sin is sin in God's eyes and we all need His redemption. God will forgive you the first time you humbly ask. It is the enemy who keeps you from forgiving yourself. The good news is, there is hope in Jesus Christ, He will forgive and He loves us very much.

Since the day I selfishly ended the life of my unborn child, I have surrendered my Life to Christ. He redeemed me at the age of 22, and wiped the slate clean that day. Ever since my Heavenly Father has been asking me to surrender and submit myself to Him. I know he wants to use me in this tender ministry to show others, there is Hope and Healing with Jesus Christ. I don't know His exact plans, but I know it is going to be Big, because I serve a Big God.

My first step was humbly submitting to do His will. Tuesday night October 7, 2008, I couldn't turn away anymore. His presence was so real and His conviction couldn't be ignored any longer. During our women's ministry leadership meeting, Stacy the director was giving our closing devotional. It was over going the next step, trusting what God has next for us. Even, if that meant going outside our comfort zone. To trust God with the plan He has for us in this season and day in History. I seriously only heard the first few minutes of the devotion. God's timing is always His perfect timing. He knew I was ready and He laid it on me heavy that night. Before we left that evening I opened up and shared with those 4 ladies something that hadn't been talked about for years. Of course they all embraced me in God's love. We talked about how much this ministry is needed in our area. And that we could only dream how big God could use this.

After we parted that night, I came home and surrendered to God's Calling. I gave myself to be used as a vessel. I told Him I would do whatever he wanted; I admitted I was scared to death, but that I would trust Him. I did ask one thing of Him…Show off for me, Lord. Do it Big.

“Praise the LORD, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits-
who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,
who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's. "
Psalm 103:2-5

1 comment:

Lori said...

Oh, I can soooo relate. I was 16 when I had my abortion. They just told me my baby was just a lump of tissue-I'm not sure I believed that, but went ahead with the abortion anyway. Yeah, me too...I knew it was wrong.
One day at church, there was a young girl who gave her testimony about how she was planning on having an abortion, but the local Crisis Pregnancy helped her and introduced her to Jesus. She chose life for her baby.
Anyway, while I was sitting in church listening to her...I clearly heard the Holy Spirit telling me that I should be a part of the Local Crisis Pregnancy Center. I left church that day, and dismissed the prompting of the Spirit. I reasoned against learning more about the pregnancy center, because the reality was...I didn't like being around babies.
It took months, but I was finally convicted to go to be a counselor.
To make a long story shorter (sorry I'm taking up so much space),I went. And found out I had Post Abortion Syndrome ~ this is when you have feelings of guilt, anger, depression (what you wrote about)...etc.
The bottom line is that God turned it all around! I am now a volunteer counselor at the local Crisis Pregnancy center.
So is helping women who have Post Abortion Syndrome the ministry God is openinng up for you?