God of My Heart

Sarah said, "How Has Love Changed Your Life?":

I was a sarcastic, self-conscious, introverted, egotistical, over-achieving high school band dork. I strived for perfection on every turn. I was angry that God would even consider loving someone like a murderer or rapist or popular person in my high school – He should be the righteous judge and condemn them all to hell. Obviously, the concept of grace was foreign to me.

I also struggled to merge what was taught in science classes about evolution with what was taught in church about creation. These are two specific roadblocks that Satan used to try to deflect me from meeting the true God. As a senior in high school, I had been studying other religions, reading books about evolution and creation, and trying to resolve this battle. One day, a switch was flipped in my brain, and I went from saying, “Psh! Those creationists are nuts!” to looking out the window of my car as I drove down the highway and saying, “How could there not be a God?! Look at the trees! Look at the sky! Look at the birds!” All the research I did helped me know about micro-biology and evolutionary principles, but only God can open up eyes like that. The scales fell away.

The third distraction came in the form of a boyfriend I met and fell madly in love with after graduating from high school. Eric was romantic and exotic, a Parrothead in search of his very own Margaritaville – the perfect distraction in my hunt for the real God dwelling in the real Paradise.

By random draw and God’s providence, I ended up roommates with my best friend from high school. She invited me, yet again, to Bible studies, the Well, and FCA on campus. She was a persistent little evangelist! I remember the first time I went to the Well – I could FEEL a presence in the room like I’d never felt before – that calm, peace, and strange movement of the Holy Spirit. It was breathtaking.

Eric and I got physically involved really fast. By October of my freshman year at AU, I thought I might be pregnant. While I worried and fretted that everything I had ever strived for was all for nothing, it finally occurred to me that I am out of control. I do the things I do not want to do. I cannot do life the right way on my own. I have no control over my plans, my future, my life, and there is only one person who does – Jesus Christ. At a Bible study one night, I confessed all that had been happening with Eric. For the first time in my life, I understood grace. I understood mercy. I understood forgiveness. As Paul says in Romans 7:24-25 – “What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!”

Like any other new believer, I expected all things to be better immediately. But I still loved Eric, I wanted to be with him even though he wasn’t a believer and had no interest whatsoever in Jesus Christ. Through His gentleness and firmness, God gradually removed Eric from my life, first moving him to North Carolina, then sending him off on some wild trip to Thailand and Vietnam that did not involve missionaries in the mountains... like he said it was going to. In the end, God made Eric fall out of love with me, and that is what it took for me to let go, and let God be God of my heart.

About six months or so after God ended my relationship with Eric, I had finally felt like I was okay with being single. About a week later, I met my husband. Brandon and I have both been down similar roads with our scarring relationships, but most importantly, we both believe in a God who is merciful, just, loving, forgiving, constant, mysterious, and real – and without that foundation, our relationship would have been destroyed fast. Enough evil and unfair events happen in our lives to turn people with common interests against each other in a heartbeat, but if you have faith and have faith together, God who “began a good work in you” will carry it on to completion, together.

During my tumultuous relationship with Eric, a friend of mine gave me a verse to rely on. So often I have felt bewildered at where I am in life or where I was going. My anxiety levels were high – should I transfer colleges to be closer to Eric, should I move, should I marry, should I take this job, should I stay at home with my kids – and this verse among so many others like it in Scripture has kept me grounded. From Isaiah 42:16 – “I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, down unfamiliar paths I will guide them. I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them.” This is a promise God makes to each of us if we’d just let him take over. It will be okay. We will make it through this, one way or the other. And it’s probable that the end results will be the most unlikely place you ever thought you’d find yourself, but better and more amazing than you could have imagined.

Show Up Like A Grown Up

I whisper to God said… “How has Love changed your life?”:

I have gotten myself into an extremely uncomfortable situation. One that was absolutely was created by me, although not intentionally. Maybe the other person involved is not involved at the same level I am, but he willingly played into my hand, if you will, to get me to the place I'm at. I have a tremendous amount of love and respect for this person. There is something about this person that caused an awakening in me of sorts. They bought back to life my love of writing and a new enjoyment for music. They also respect and encourage my relationship with God, which is extremely important to me. They make me laugh and sometimes cry. But somewhere along the line in building the closeness with this person, I began to notice the void of closeness with myself and my husband. My energy began shifting away from my husband to this person. I believe what developed is what some people call an emotional affair. I began confessing things to this person that I have never told anyone. And that's when I knew my marriage was suffering. The last thing I want to do is cause harm to my marriage of 15 years.

I though I could push the intimate feelings aside and continue the relationship on a friendship level with this person. I really don't want to lose this friendship. But I don't know how to do that. He has given me so much unconditional love and accepted me with all of flaws and all of my beauty. How can I walk away from that? I tell myself if this is all I ever get from this person, it will be enough. Then I find myself wanting more. How can I stay? Even when I told this person that I needed time to figure out these feelings, the response was filled with love. It's killing me to sever communication, but what else can I do? My marriage is at stake.

My heart has not felt this much sadness in a very long time. So much so that I believe my husband is aware of what is going on, but he doesn't have the heart to discuss it with me. I think he trusts that I will do the right thing and he is patiently waiting for me to return my affection to him.

I never thought that there would be another person that I could love as much or maybe even more than my husband. I wasn't looking for this to happen. It just did. Now I need to show up like a grown up and do the right thing. Even if it tears me up inside.

Spending The Rest of My Life With Him

Dani said… “How has Love changed your life?”:

My husband, Curtis and I invite you to join us as we walk down memory lane through the past ten years of our lives, and share the most intimate and personal details of our relationship never heard before by the public.

This is an impromptu radio show (WordsAreWeaponsRadio.com) about our journey as a couple from the heathen days when we first fell in love, the critical moments when we turned our lives over to God, convictions we had to change our evil ways, different challenges we faced, extreme circumstances which define who we are, the crisis which changed everything, how we overcame the unthinkable from rage to responsibility, and developed a unique and glorious marriage built to last a lifetime.

We are no marriage experts, but through our various trials and tribulations we have learned the true meaning of love and commitment, and by the grace of God we have triumphed over all adversity for better or worse until death do us part.

I know I love my husband, Curtis, more now than the day we got married seven years ago, and I can’t think of anything better than spending the rest of my life with him.

Helpmeet

Bridget said... "How has Love changed your Life?":

God's love has allowed me to truly love my husband more than i ever thought possible. I could never feel the way i feel for him if it wasn't for the Lord's hand in teaching me how to be a good Christian wife and be loving, submissive, caring and his helpmeet.